Dear Reader,
First
I want to extend Easter greetings to you.. today I'm thinking about a
love that I can not even comprehend.. A Savior that gave all He had
for me, and chose to do it..
I want to share something with you. Some of you know I was adopted at the age of 2. My adoptive mother was mentally ill and was very abusive. The last time I saw her I was 15. The last time I had spoken to her was in 1986. Ours was never a close or good relationship. I won't go into it all here just know it was not good..
I've spent years praying for God to help me find forgiveness for the awful mental and physical abuse that my brother and I suffered at her hands.. to be honest her attitude and personality never changed over the years. I can say I was glad when I didn't hear from her after my Dad (adoptive father) passed away in 1986. They divorced when I was 9 and I lived with dad.. Mom would call every 2 or 3 years to tell me what a horrible child I had been and how horrible I was as an adult. She would also tell me how I would regret not seeing her or speaking with her. I didn't regret it for one moment.
This past summer I kept thinking about her. I knew she would be abt. 80 and wondered what her life had been like over the last 23 yrs. our last conversation she had told me she was saved. I doubted it. God kept telling me to find her. I finally gave in and looked. Through the Internet I found an old address and through that address I found her and her sister..
she had suffered several years of health problems, strokes, and dementia. She had been living with her sister for abt. 20 yrs. Sister emailed me and we exchanged info. I sent cards to Mom and emails. I sent Pictures of our family, and updates. Sister told me she had lost most of her memory, but she knew who I was and wanted to talk to me. I will tell you when I heard she wanted to speak to me I was flung back in time. I was terrified of her as a child, and I was still terrified of her as an adult. The thought of speaking to her, even on the phone, left me shaking and nauseated. No way. I had done what God asked, I had found her, and that was good enough. I wasn't going to put myself through that, and I certainly wasn't going to give her the satisfaction of berating me again.
I want to share something with you. Some of you know I was adopted at the age of 2. My adoptive mother was mentally ill and was very abusive. The last time I saw her I was 15. The last time I had spoken to her was in 1986. Ours was never a close or good relationship. I won't go into it all here just know it was not good..
I've spent years praying for God to help me find forgiveness for the awful mental and physical abuse that my brother and I suffered at her hands.. to be honest her attitude and personality never changed over the years. I can say I was glad when I didn't hear from her after my Dad (adoptive father) passed away in 1986. They divorced when I was 9 and I lived with dad.. Mom would call every 2 or 3 years to tell me what a horrible child I had been and how horrible I was as an adult. She would also tell me how I would regret not seeing her or speaking with her. I didn't regret it for one moment.
This past summer I kept thinking about her. I knew she would be abt. 80 and wondered what her life had been like over the last 23 yrs. our last conversation she had told me she was saved. I doubted it. God kept telling me to find her. I finally gave in and looked. Through the Internet I found an old address and through that address I found her and her sister..
she had suffered several years of health problems, strokes, and dementia. She had been living with her sister for abt. 20 yrs. Sister emailed me and we exchanged info. I sent cards to Mom and emails. I sent Pictures of our family, and updates. Sister told me she had lost most of her memory, but she knew who I was and wanted to talk to me. I will tell you when I heard she wanted to speak to me I was flung back in time. I was terrified of her as a child, and I was still terrified of her as an adult. The thought of speaking to her, even on the phone, left me shaking and nauseated. No way. I had done what God asked, I had found her, and that was good enough. I wasn't going to put myself through that, and I certainly wasn't going to give her the satisfaction of berating me again.
God
made it very clear I was to talk to her. God and I discussed it several times and at great length. I finally gave in and made the call.
Mom and I spoke for about 5 min..I knew she was no
longer the monster that haunted my dreams.. she was a frail, sick,
old women, who needed peace, forgiveness, compassion, comfort, and
Love..
I learned a few things during that call. first.. I learned with the memory loss I would never hear her apologize or beg for my forgiveness. I don't mind saying that the idea of that ticked me off. I wanted her to beg for my forgiveness so I could say no, or did I ?
I learned a few things during that call. first.. I learned with the memory loss I would never hear her apologize or beg for my forgiveness. I don't mind saying that the idea of that ticked me off. I wanted her to beg for my forgiveness so I could say no, or did I ?
From
the beginning. I knew that God had given me what I had asked for, Forgiveness.. I didn't have any anger or hate. I didn't want
revenge. I did feel, pity, compassion, forgiveness, and love; not
love in the sense that mothers and daughters should have, but love
non the less.
I came to realize this was God's gift to me. You see He wanted me to know that my forgiveness toward her was what I needed; not an apology from her.That one 5 minute call was the last time we spoke. We both knew in our hearts that it would be. I was fine with that. There was no need for more words. I can't even describe it to you, but it was done..
Mom died yesterday morning. She is finally at peace. Home with her Savior and mentally stable. Something she never had in this life. She is no longer tortured by her childhood, or the problems and pain that changed her.
I want to tell you that forgiveness is real. It's a possibility. No matter what has happened God will give you His forgiveness to give to another, but remember it's for you not the one who hurt you. God's love and forgiveness is what had changed my life in 1982. It changed my hate filled heart into a compassionate one. God showed me how He saw me; full of meanness and hate. Twisted by sin and bad choices, But saved and redeemed through His love and compassion. Changed through His forgiveness. Forever changed through the love of Jesus Christ. I could now give to my mother what had been give to me. Forgiveness.
I can say that I look forward to the day when mom and I will meet in heaven.. I will finally meet the mother that a little girl wanted and needed so many year ago. I'll meet the woman that God created perfect in His love. I'll be perfect too, and we'll know each other. that's cool. That's what Easter is really all about..
I continue to be amazed by God and His love for me.. I love that He continues to work with me and keeps forming me into the woman He wants me to be.
May God teach you the benefits of forgiving others, and may God Bless you always.
"Jesus said to her, "I am the resurrection and the life. He who believes in me will live, even though he dies; and whoever lives and believes in me will never die."
John 11:25-26
I came to realize this was God's gift to me. You see He wanted me to know that my forgiveness toward her was what I needed; not an apology from her.That one 5 minute call was the last time we spoke. We both knew in our hearts that it would be. I was fine with that. There was no need for more words. I can't even describe it to you, but it was done..
Mom died yesterday morning. She is finally at peace. Home with her Savior and mentally stable. Something she never had in this life. She is no longer tortured by her childhood, or the problems and pain that changed her.
I want to tell you that forgiveness is real. It's a possibility. No matter what has happened God will give you His forgiveness to give to another, but remember it's for you not the one who hurt you. God's love and forgiveness is what had changed my life in 1982. It changed my hate filled heart into a compassionate one. God showed me how He saw me; full of meanness and hate. Twisted by sin and bad choices, But saved and redeemed through His love and compassion. Changed through His forgiveness. Forever changed through the love of Jesus Christ. I could now give to my mother what had been give to me. Forgiveness.
I can say that I look forward to the day when mom and I will meet in heaven.. I will finally meet the mother that a little girl wanted and needed so many year ago. I'll meet the woman that God created perfect in His love. I'll be perfect too, and we'll know each other. that's cool. That's what Easter is really all about..
I continue to be amazed by God and His love for me.. I love that He continues to work with me and keeps forming me into the woman He wants me to be.
May God teach you the benefits of forgiving others, and may God Bless you always.
"Jesus said to her, "I am the resurrection and the life. He who believes in me will live, even though he dies; and whoever lives and believes in me will never die."
John 11:25-26
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