Thursday, September 24, 2015

I Need A Time Machine....

Well August has run past me at break-neck speed. As I look at the Calendar it's already the last full week of Sept. I really wish I could have a time machine. I don't want to go way back. I just want to go back a little. 

  Maybe back on occasion to the late 70's to see my Papa and brother Keith. I'd love to hug them both for hours and spend the day eating, talking and laughing with them. I'd love to see grandma again and other friends and family that passed on to soon. 

I'd want to go back to re-live a few favorite memories; like graduation and all the fun things of my Senior year in H.S. I'd love to relive visits with cousins, Aunts and Uncles. 

I don't necessarily want to change anything. Just time to spend that day and commit more to memory. My long term memory seems to do a little better at remembering. I need hints and clues, but once it finds the right file drawer I surprise myself at how much I can draw out of that particular memory folder. 

Right now, today, I'd like to travel back to June. I'd like each day to last longer. Each event to go on for a few days instead of a few hours. I really wish days didn't pass by so quickly. Well the bad ones could just skip past me without any complaints from me. 

I have noticed this summer I am losing more words. It's frustrating reaching for them. Looking for the word file folder and someones moved it. It use to happen only occasionally. Now it's pretty much every day. 

Reading is still fine. If you ask me today what I read in the book I've started re-reading 3 times, I might be able to tell you about a character or two. but if I can't read the whole thing at one time I'm not going to remember much. Unless I can read each day a bit of what I read before, I don't remember any of it. That is very frustrating.  I am doing a ladies Bible study at Church. I'm trying to make notes as I go. Sometimes I understand the questions other times I struggle. I've decided to just put the material down when I can't make heads of tails of it. I can always read it again later and maybe it will be clearer. Making notes helps. 

I guess the real reason I'd like that time machine is so I could concentrate on memorizing everything. Before things started slipping off into the fog of forgetfulness. Mild Cognitive Impairment. For now that's what we are calling it. It won't be early onset dementia unless it gets worse. 

Some days I don't think about it at all. Nothing is interrupted in my day by lost thoughts. Other days I feel like it's all slipping away. Not quickly like a magician yanking a tablecloth out from under a table full of china. But slowly. It's scary. I don't like it. I'd love to wake up one day feeling like my old self. ready to face the day with no fear of forgetting words in the middle of a conversation, or forgetting what someone just said to me. Forgetting that the water in the tub is still running, Or the water on the stove is boiling. If I leave it, there's a good chance I'll forget about it. 

Yep, I'd like a time machine. Since I don't think they'll have one available for my use anytime soon. I'm going to keep praying that my symptoms don't progress. I'm going to continue to walk with my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. I'm going to trust God's plans for me, and I'm going to trust that no matter what comes tomorrow Jesus and I will walk through it together. He reminded me that My Father In Heaven has promised never to leave me or forsake me. He never breaks His promises. I may come to a place where I won't remember Him, But I know He'll never forget me. 

Update: June-2016... Since October of last year my memory issues seem to be few and far between. I still lose words (don't we all) and sometimes I have to ask people to repeat things. I stopped stressing about it. I stopped focusing on it. I stopped letting the anxiety of it rule my life. If I don't remember I just go on. I have left all this memory stuff and my fear, the kind of fear that freezes and envelopes you, with God. I believe He is the reason I'm doing better. I have a real peace about it all. 

None of us knows what the future holds for us. I certainly don't know, but like others have said. I know who holds the future. The God of the Bible. The God who created me, loves me, and walks through life with me. And it is True I may forget who He is, But He'll never forget me.