The first time that panic set in was kind of weird. You have to understand that I had made lots of phone calls and told a lot of our friends and family about the diagnosis, tests, etc. I didn't want anyone hearing it second hand. I still needed to make a few calls to friends in Ky.
Out of the blue one of them called me. As we chatted she asked how Ken was doing. I started to tell her about the cancer and Wham! I felt like someone had punched me in the stomach. I lost all my air. I couldn't breathe, I started to tear up, I couldn't even speak. I took a deep breath. I repeated (in my head) the Bible verse "Be Still and Know that I am God. (Psalms 46:10a) The calm just seemed to wash over me. I took another breath and told her about the cancer. I even said the word.
I guess that was the first time it was real to me. I think I had just been operating on auto pilot. Being very technical in repeating what I had heard not really thinking about it, but this time it was different. This time I saw myself getting ready to say the word cancer. My brain just started whirling.. Cancer, My husband, not the neighbor down the street, not one of the siblings, not one of our friends, not me, But My husband. My husband has cancer. That was a punch to the stomach.
I think I recovered nicely. I'm not sure how long the pause was, but I don't think it was long. My voice had started to break. (by the way I'm a card caring member of the Cry Baby Club I cry over everything) But I didn't cry. Thank you Jesus..
The next time the panic hit me was on Monday this week. A friend of mine from Church were picking me up to spend an afternoon with the "girls" at the movies. I was excited. It had been a while since "the girls" had gotten together. As I was waiting for my ride I flipped the channels and landed on a program I had heard about but had never seen. " Giuliana and Bill". It was the episodes about their discovery of her breast cancer and how they were not telling anyone except for their immediate family. I watched as I waited.
The punch to the gut came again. As I watched Giuliana talk about how she felt. She said some things that really stuck with me. She talked about feeling like the floor had given way and she was falling.. and just kept falling. I quickly wondered if that was what Ken felt like. I don't think men talk a lot about feelings and stuff. I know Ken doesn't. I haven't really asked him yet how he feels. He verbalizes a few things, those who know my Kenny will know I won't need to repeat them for anyone here. LOL But he really hasn't talked about feelings or what he thinks. I think if he needs to he will. I think for now, he is probably dealing with how he feels in a quiet man way. He'll tell me if I need to know.
Suddenly my ride appeared and I was crying.. I grabbed my stuff and headed out the door.. I got in the vehicle and just let it all go.. how depressed I felt, how did Ken feel, how I couldn't watch that show again. I slammed right in at full force.. Not even a hi or how are you doing. Just whammo . I realized I hadn't even said hello and did so. I apologized for venting it all out on her in a 90 second avalanche. My friend was great. She told me that obviously I needed to tell her. I guess I did. My calm immediately returned after that 90 seconds. and I was good for the rest of the day.
I have noticed that my moments of panic/fear come swiftly. They come when I'm not looking. They come when I'm just doing every day stuff. They come when I least expect it. The next one came when we went to our first Consult with the Radiation Oncologist. I 'll tell you about that in my next post. This is enough for now.
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