Storm Ahead...

      As I write this it's been exactly two weeks since we had our first consult with the Urologist. I talked about that appointment in the last post. You can see it Here...  I wanted to share with you about a few times that I didn't feel so calm. Amazing it has only been a couple of times.

     The first time that panic set in was kind of weird. You have to understand that I had made lots of phone calls and told a lot of our friends and family about the diagnosis, tests, etc. I didn't want anyone hearing it second hand. I still needed to make a few calls to friends in Ky.

     Out of the blue one of them called me. As we chatted she asked how Ken was doing. I started to tell her about the cancer and Wham! I felt like someone had punched me in the stomach. I lost all my air. I couldn't breathe, I started to tear up, I couldn't even speak. I took a deep breath. I repeated (in my head) the Bible verse "Be Still and Know that I am God. (Psalms 46:10a) The calm just seemed to wash over me. I took another breath and told her about the cancer. I even said the word.

    I guess that was the first time it was real to me. I think I had just been operating on auto pilot. Being very technical in repeating what I had heard not really thinking about it, but this time it was different. This time I saw myself getting ready to say the word cancer. My brain just started whirling.. Cancer, My husband, not the neighbor down the street, not one of the siblings, not one of our friends, not me, But My husband. My husband has cancer. That was a punch to the stomach.

     I think I recovered nicely. I'm not sure how long the pause was, but I don't think it was long. My voice had started to break. (by the way I'm a card caring member of the Cry Baby Club I cry over everything) But I didn't cry. Thank you Jesus..

      The next time the panic hit me was on Monday this week. A friend of mine from Church were picking me up to spend an afternoon with the "girls" at the movies. I was excited. It had been a while since "the girls" had gotten together. As I was waiting for my ride I flipped the channels and landed on a program I had heard about but had never seen. " Giuliana and Bill". It was the episodes about their discovery of her breast cancer and how they were not telling anyone except for their immediate family. I watched as I waited.

     The punch to the gut came again. As I watched Giuliana talk about how she felt. She said some things that really stuck with me. She talked about feeling like the floor had given way and she was falling.. and just kept falling. I quickly wondered if that was what Ken felt like. I don't think men talk a lot about feelings and stuff. I know Ken doesn't. I haven't really asked him yet how he feels. He verbalizes a few things, those who know my Kenny will know I won't need to repeat them for anyone here. LOL  But he really hasn't talked about feelings or what he thinks. I think if he needs to he will. I think for now, he is probably dealing with how he feels in a quiet man way. He'll tell me if I need to know.

    Suddenly my ride appeared and I was crying.. I grabbed my stuff and headed out the door.. I got in the vehicle and just let it all go.. how depressed I felt, how did Ken feel, how I couldn't watch that show again. I slammed right in at full force.. Not even a hi or how are you doing. Just whammo . I realized I hadn't even said hello and did so. I apologized for venting it all out on her in a 90 second avalanche. My friend was great. She told me that obviously I needed to tell her. I guess I did. My calm immediately returned after that 90 seconds. and I was good for the rest of the day.

     I have noticed that my moments of panic/fear come swiftly. They come when I'm not looking. They come when I'm just doing every day stuff. They come when I least expect it. The next one came when we went to our first Consult with the Radiation Oncologist. I 'll tell you about that in my next post. This is enough for now.

Hard To Believe It All Started With The Yearly Checkup...

           It was time. Time for dragging Ken to the Dr.'s office for the yearly checkup. He hates going to the doctor. The only reason he goes is so he can get prescription refills. If they didn't make him do that once a year he would never go. It's never a good time for him so I make the appts. anyway. This year they were near the end of Feb. the 21st to be exact. You can see that it took me a while to get him to the doctor this year. We needed our refills and I wanted this all done so we could leave the first of March for Ky. I had plans and to wait any longer was just not possible.
      I encouraged him to get his " Welcome to Medicare" physical, but he was having none of it. So refills only it was. He did promise the Doc that he would come back in June to have that physical. The normal cursory exam stuff was preformed and we were off to the lab for blood work. We had our normal Celebratory breakfast and headed home. 
      The call came a few days later. Ken's PSA was elevated. They were referring him to a Urologist. Later that day we got a call from the Uro (I'm abbreviating it.) telling us standard procedure for the first visit was to do an ultra sound of the prostrate and a biopsy. 
      Our Trip to Ky. was postponed for a bit and we waited for the Uro visit on March 19th. We both kind of chuckled when we got to the office that day. A big room full of men. To be fair there were a few women there, but that day it was mostly men and they were all there for the same thing. None of them looked to happy or excited to be there. The Office staff was great and very efficient as was the Dr. The tests were done quickly and soon Ken appeared, a little wincey, but OK. As we were preparing to leave an elderly couple were heading for the door. The woman, who appeared to be at least 90, looked at her husband and said something hysterically funny. (sorry I can't remember it now) Husband and I tried not to blurt out laughing. As I glanced around that big room I noticed others had heard it too. It was a great stress reliever. We were told to expect a call sometime in the next 2 weeks with results. It didn't take that long. 
      The call came 3 days later on the 22nd of March. I had broken off a tooth the night before and spent 6 hrs. at the dentist office that day getting a cleaning, root canal, and a restoration. It wasn't a good day. When I got home Ken said the Uro had called. He had cancer. That was all he said. Then he sat silent for about 3 hours. I realized later that he was in shock and trying to wrap his head around what the Dr. had said. I was calming myself and making calls to the girls. I wanted to get my Prayer warriors praying for Ken, but first I had to tell our girls. I didn't want them hearing it from anyone but us. 
     They were difficult calls to make, but they were made. Prayer Warriors were notified, a few friends messaged. I prayed.. I prayed a lot those first 3 hours. I prayed for calm and peace for us both. I prayed for healing and for Salvation for Ken. I prayed that wonderful verse in Psalms.."Be Still, and know that I am God. "  psalm 46:10a. I have used that verse several times to remind me That He is God, and I can be calm and stand quietly knowing that He will take care of it all. 
      After those 3 hours Ken told me more of the conversation. He told me the Dr. said "it was early stage and very treatable and not to worry he would take care of it."  I told Ken, God would take care of it. I spoke it and knew as I said it that it was true. A peace and calm came over me that I still can not explain other then to say it was God. 
     Another apt. was made with the Uro. for April 12th to discuss options and such. By that time the Grandkids that were coming for dinner were told just in case grandpa talked about it. I didn't want sadness to permeate one of the few times we all can get together. Besides, We had our First Great Grandchild to meet and that could not be a sad day. We were to excited to be anything but bubbling with anticipation and excitement. A baby. woo hooo..  you can see him in a previous post.. http://maamawkaren.blogspot.com/2012/04/introducing-our-new-great-grandson-he.html 

     I will tell you know that I held my breath that day of the consult with the Uro. I did my homework. I googled everything I could find about prostrate cancer. I found charts and graphs and took out my legal pad and made notes. I wanted to make sure I understood everything we were going to be told and I wanted to be knowledgeable about options so I could ask good questions. I knew Ken would have a few questions too, but I wanted to make sure mine were answered too. I had told the girls about the consult and that it was open to the entire family if they wanted to attend. I also suggested they ask if their dad was OK with their attending before they came. They both decided to wait and just hear what the Dr. told us. 
     Holding my breath for 3 weeks was hard. I didn't really hold it all the time, but occasionally I would hold it for a few seconds if I thought about it. Instantly the peace and calm would come. So I waited. 
The day for the consult came. I didn't really start holding my breath until we were called back to the exam room. There was only one chair. The Dr. invited me to sit on the exam table. (which I did cause I felt so awkward) And then I really felt awkward. LOL  he told us about the Gleason score, and the options of surgery (which he does), robotic surgery (which a colleague of his does) and radiation. He explained to us about how age matters with treatment options and what happens if the cancer returns. He gave us statistics and answered all our questions. Ken chose Radiation, Surgery did not appeal to him for several reasons. 
     An Appointment was made with a Radiation Oncologist. The pages of paperwork were received, and I filled them out..  Feel Free to laugh here. I fill out all of Ken's paperwork. I ask him questions if I don't know the answer. He signs it. That's the way it works at our house. The appointment was made. April 25th. only a little over a week away. Good. The sooner the better. 
     So here we are in April and facing the apt. with an Oncologist. My next post will take us through the days before and that visit. I'm still feeling incredibly calm and at peace. I know it's God. 

   

Leaning To Trust God Even When The Word Is Cancer...

  Over the past few weeks I've realized how God has grown me in the Trust department. As those of you who know me have seen, my middle name is panic. I don't like it, but it's true. I've decided to share this Trust journey here. Probably more for myself then for anyone else. I want to write it. To express it or try to express it. I need to get it out and on paper. I need to have a record of this journey so I can go back and see each step that God led me through. I attempted to write it in a journal I keep by my bed. I just can't do it. My handwriting is atrocious and I doubt that in a year I'd even be able to understand it myself. If I write it here then family and friends, who want to follow the journey, will have an easier time of it.

   I will start here by saying that this is not my journey. It's my husbands journey. I'm walking it with him. Prostrate cancer was the diagnosis. Cancer was the word. I won't share a lot about husband's feelings. to be honest he doesn't say much. I really think it's personal enough that I should let him share it with you himself. I will from time share some of his thoughts.These writings will be about my journey with him through this. My time of learning to Trust God even when the word is Cancer.

   I do want you to encourage the men in your life to begin getting their PSA tests done when recommended by their Doctor. You can Click here for more information.
The PSA test (yearly blood test) results alerted our family Doctor of the need for a referral to a Urologist. I'll go into all that in another post, but I want to make sure you encourage your fathers, brothers, uncles, grandpas, cousins, all the men in your life to have this simple blood test done. Prostrate cancer is very treatable when caught in it's early stages. The next post will catch you up to where we are today with this journey. All the tests and referrals take time. I'm not so good with the waiting thing either, but God knows that and Thankfully He just works with me on one area at a time. This time it's being Quiet/Calm and Trusting Him, Even when the word is Cancer.